Developmental Psychology for dummies (i.e. me)

Back in the dark ages (ok, 13 years ago) my psychology studies were bent on determining how much of ourselves are based on nature vs. nurture. Having small children is like a long-term qualitative study of the above issue. Sometimes it's fascinating. Sometimes it makes me think that people should not become psychologists until they have had children themselves. Sometimes it's just baffling.

Case study no. 1: Oldest son. When asked to do something, he will attempt to whine plaintively, until told to cease immediately. Oldest son therefore does so, and performs the previously requested task.

Case study no 2: Younger daughter. When asked not to do something, she will exhibit a defiant facial expression, and then continue to perform said task with absolute gusto. Reprimands result in loud screaming, object throwing, and general tantrum-like behaviour. Encouragement may give desired result, but only if daughter feels like fulfilling the request in the first place.

What did we do differently? We've certainly been less vigilant with our daughter, simply by weight of the fact that there are now two children to supervise. We're also less uptight about parenting - not freaking out at any minor sniffle or apparent deviation in developmental milestones. Our daughter has also had the added benefit of an older sibling to potentially teach her how to be rough/hit/throw things. But I think the ultimate answer is that she is her own little personality, and the disciplinary methods that worked with J will not cut the mustard with S.

Birth order? Perhaps a little. Parenting method? Probably. But it's amazing to me at how we are created with our little personalities too. Psalm 139 was a big one for me before the kids were born, but it comes up again and again as they grow:

"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well." (v13-14)

We're not born blank slates, ready to be told who to be. Our personalities aren't some fluid construct that don't have any real concrete existence. Even as young as 13 months, you can see a God-given personality emerging. It's not complete - experience and age will mold and temper certain aspects, as well as giving both of them fodder for future therapy (!).

I've come into contact with people who talk of various "parenting methods" with absolute conviction as if there is only one successful way to rear a child. The problem with these convictions is that they tend to leave out a very important variable: the child's own individuality.

As a parent, it is both a blessing and a challenge. God has given my children their own little personalities already. They have choices to make in growing their own way. My job is to work out how to train them both in a way that won't leave them socially inept, scarred, or psychopathic, and give them a deep love for the one who made them who they are...